Journals
by izzy2
Summary: Kouyako. My thanks to everyone who reviewed & to digitalanimefox for being supportive.


Insert the standard "I do not own Digimon" here. This is a longer Kouyako than my first one. I really like Kouyako but am also going to try out other pairings. Hope you like this.  
  
  
  
"He is a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a conundrum - Okay, maybe it's a run-on sentence, and a very confusing run-on sentence at that, but 'confusing' is a good word for him. I mean, I think I'm just as intelligent as the next person, more so if I'm standing next to Daisuke, but I don't think I'll ever figure out Koushirou.   
  
I remember the first time I met him. I was so excited! He was a former President of our elementary school's Computer Club and, I'll admit, an idol of mine. I wanted to be just like him, except for the hair, of course, and the fact that he's a boy. But I wanted to be super intelligent like him and do amazing things with computers, just like he does. Then I found out that I was a Digidestined and I wanted to be the one to figure things out in the Digital World, just like he did. He was always a mentor to me, someone I admired and tried to emulate, but I always failed to be as good as he is.  
  
I'm not selling myself short. I'm a whiz at all things mechanical and that's not just me being arrogant. Like when I rigged up the gigantic computer speakers at Arukkenemon's house of insect doom. That was ingenious if I do say so myself.  
  
But I'm not a genius, not like Koushirou or Ken or Willis. So I let that ambition go, but kept my admiration for Koushirou. Then I met Mimi and adopted a new role model. I had always been boy-crazy, so the flirting part was a breeze, but because I didn't have Mimi's looks, most boys didn't flirt back.  
  
Once again, I'm not selling myself short. I know I'm not ugly, but my glasses, my skinny frame, and my big mouth tend to give people a different sort of impression than the one I'd like to make. And Heaven forbid I should stop and think before words come out of my mouth. I could blame my blunt speech on the Crest of Sincerity, but really, I had that trait before I had even heard of the Digital World.  
  
So I tried to be Mimi, but I'm not as thoughtful or sensitive or patient as she is. The boy-craziness, though, that does come naturally. I wonder why that is? Am I so insecure in myself that I feel I have to be a part of a relationship to be worth something? Or do I search for someone to love me because my family, though nice, is not very demonstrative when it comes to showing affection? Nah, I think I just like the feeling of being in love, or at least convincing myself I am. It doesn't even bother me that the guys I drool over don't like me back. Or at least it didn't.  
  
But that was before I discovered I was in love with Koushirou. I never thought I would be. I was always respectful to him, after all he was my mentor, but as I spent more time with him, I grew to love him above the respect and admiration I had felt before. Why didn't I flirt with him like I did all my other crushes? I think it's because my feelings for Kou scared me. Maybe I even sensed that, because we had the same interests, he might like me back? Yeah, right.  
  
So I didn't flirt with Koushirou Izumi. And to throw people off from thinking I might like him, I turned up the flirting with everyone else. I didn't want people to laugh at me if they found out I liked Kou and he didn't like me. I didn't mind them laughing at me if they thought I liked Michael or Willis or Ken or even the younger version of Gennai, but the thought of the others knowing of my unrequited love for Kou and laughing at it, or worse, pitying me, was too much.   
  
I did nice things for him, though. I couldn't help myself. Like the towel I got him when I went on my school field trip. When I bought it, I remembered thinking that it was a practical gift, plus it had a little pineapple embroidered on one of the corners. As soon as I gave it to him, I regretted it. After all, who buys someone a towel as a gift?  
  
He's not even jealous when I flirt with other guys. He's all business, like 'We have more important things to worry about'. Nothing affects him. He certainly doesn't feel about me the way I feel about him. For the first time in my life I'm hurt that someone I like doesn't like me back."  
-   
  
"What does 'conundrum' mean?" a voice asked from over Miyako's shoulder.  
  
"Aaaah!" she shrieked and slammed her journal shut. "Daisuke!"  
  
Daisuke fell backwards onto the grass behind Miyako. She turned and jumped to her feet, towering over the sprawled youth. "How much did you read?" she screamed.  
  
"Only til the part about conund-whatevers," Daisuke sweatdropped, then shielded his face with his hands. "I swear!"  
  
Miyako extended her hand to him and Dai shrieked, then realized she was offering to help him up. He took her hand warily, fully expecting the hot-tempered girl to hit him as she was pretending to help him to his feet. He breathed a sigh of relief when she did not slug him, but fell to the ground again when she surprised him utterly by mumbling, "Sorry I yelled at you," and walking away. Daisuke picked himself up off the ground and ran after her.   
  
"Miyako!" he exclaimed as he followed her towards the school building, "I just read your diary over your shoulder!"  
  
"It's a journal," she intoned, without much emotion, still trudging towards the building.  
  
"Whatever," Dai shot back. "Don't you want to slug me?"  
  
"I'll slug you later, Daisuke," Miyako replied in a flat emotionless tone, "I promise."  
  
"Okay, stop!" Daisuke yelled as he stepped in front of Miyako. "Miyako, this isn't like you and I know we're not best pals or anything, but I wouldn't be much of a friend if I didn't ask you if you want to talk about what's wrong." Much to his surprise, Miyako started bawling onto his shoulder. Moments later, the two were seated under a shade tree and Miyako was pouring her heart out, or so she thought. Daisuke could barely understand what she was saying.  
  
"And I don't understand why it has to hurt, Daisuke. I like him and he's so smart and cute and he doesn't even know I'm alive. Sure he's been kind to me and helped me out but still, WAAAAHHHHH!"  
  
Dai sweatdropped and tried to think of something to say to make Miyako feel better. "Stupid Crest of Friendship," he thought. "What good is having it if I don't know what to say when my friends need me?" Miyako continued to sob. "Waitaminute!" Daisuke thought. "She's talking about someone she likes. 'Smart', 'kind'... Ken!"  
  
"Hey, Miyako," Daisuke placed a hand on her shoulder. "I understand. And I've got an idea that will help you."  
  
Miyako sniffed and looked at Dai hopefully. "You do?"  
  
Dai nodded. "Just trust me. Meet me under this tree tomorrow at lunch break."  
  
Miyako paused. "I must be really desperate," she thought, "but if there's even a slight chance Daisuke can help..."  
  
"I'll see you tomorrow," she said. "Thanks, Dai."  
  
"Don't mention it," the boy replied and walked off to find Ken.  
-   
  
The next day, Miyako arrived at the shade tree to find a nice picnic lunch, flowers and - Ken Ichijouji seated on a checkered cloth under the tree. "Hi, Miyako," he greeted her with a pleasant smile.  
  
"Hello, Ken," she replied and plastered a bright smile on her face. She realized that Dai, though kindhearted, hadn't understood a word she had said the day before. "What's all this?" she asked as she sat down on the cloth.  
  
"Daisuke asked me to meet you for lunch today. He said there were some subjects you needed help on?" Ken glanced at her journal. "I hope one of them isn't 'Composition'. I'm not very adept at writing."  
  
"No, no, it's nothing like that," Miyako answered. She didn't feel like talking to anyone, but she didn't want Ken to get his feelings hurt if she left him all alone. He had been so kind to come to help her, even if she really didn't need any help with her studies. Besides, the food looked great. "I could use a little help in Trigonometry," she lied. And she and Ken sat and chatted and ate under the shade tree.  
-   
  
Koushirou watched the couple eat and talk as he sat at an outdoor table further up the hill. He sighed and continued to write in a small leatherbound book.  
  
"Unfathomable. I simply do not understand her. How can she be so many things and still be herself? One moment, she's as persistent as Jun Motimiyo when it comes to pestering Michael for a date and the next she's as sedate as a Zen master, talking to Ken Ichijouji about who knows what over a picnic lunch. I pride myself on my acumen, so why can't I understand her?  
  
The first time I met her, I thought she was a spastic brained tech groupie. The way she hovered around me - 'Yes, sempai. It would be an honor, sempai." It was unnerving. But then I realized that she was intelligent, at least as intelligent as I am if not more so in certain areas. And I began to respect her for that. One day, I came to the realization that she admired me. Me! And I also realized that she was one of the few people who cared about what I said and listened, actually listened, to my words, my concepts. She wasn't puzzled by my explanations, she was enthralled. And when she received her Digivice, I finally had someone with whom I could share my theories involving the Digital World.   
  
It was wonderful, being with a girl who didn't scream at me for working on my laptop. But I worked less and less on it when I was talking to Miyako, and the unbelievable part about that was, I didn't care! Years of being mocked as a "brain" and a "geek" had made me a loner, content with typing on my laptop, solving riddles and puzzles. It was easier than dealing with the alienation because people around me didn't understand me. But Miyako understood me. More than that, she admired me for the traits others found irritating.  
  
She's exactly like me and then, she's not. I'm very sparse with my emotions. I certainly don't let them get the better of me. But she says whatever's on her mind and does whatever she feels, at any given time. Her personality is like a primal force of nature and just as frightening. Then there are all the guys she falls in love with. She pursues them even when they're not interested in her. Willis, Michael, Ken...  
  
Which leads to this moment - I'm watching Ken and Miyako flirt over a picnic lunch. I suppose I should have known that Ken would monopolize her attention. I mean, he's at least as adroit as I am, if not more so. His IQ might even be higher than mine. That never bothered me, until now.   
  
All right, I am much more secure regarding my mental faculties than that. It isn't the fact that Ken might be more cerebrally advanced than I am that annoys me. I can handle that. But why does he get Miyako fawning all over him as well?  
  
She's never shown that kind of interest in me. Yes, she's done nice things, friendly things for me. Such as the towel. She bought it for me on a field trip. Sort of like bringing your teacher an apple. But I was touched by it. Oh, I may not have shown how much it affected me, but there were very urgent matters to be attended to at the time. Later, I unfolded it and looked at the pineapple embroidered on the edge and laughed. I still have it, tucked into a small wooden box under my bed. She must have held it close to her on the bus ride back from the trip, because it smells like her. She has no idea how much that gift means to me.   
  
Occasionally, when she flirts with other guys who don't notice her, I want to scream, "They don't value you for your mind, or your beauty, or your personality. I care about all those things and you. Why can't you see?" But I control that urge. I'm really good at controlling things."  
-   
  
"What's 'unfathomable'?"  
  
"AAAAHHHHH!" Koushirou dropped his pen and slammed the book shut. Daisuke fell across the picnic table, banging his head on the edge.  
  
"Ow! Koushirou, what's wrong?" Dai asked, rubbing his head.  
  
"What's wrong?" panted Koushirou. "Nothing!" Koushirou noticed his voice cracking on that last word. He cleared his throat. "Nothing, Daisuke. What brings you here?"  
  
Daisuke picked himself up and grinned. "Just admiring the scenery," he answered, feeling pretty impressed with himself and his 'good deed' involving Miyako and Ken.  
  
Koushirou rested his chin on his hands and sighed, "That's nice."  
  
Dai sat down next to him. "Hey, Koushirou," he asked hesitantly, following Koushirou's gaze towards the picnicking couple. "Are you okay? I mean, if you want to talk about it, I'm here."  
  
Much to Dai's astonishment, Koushirou began to speak. "I really like her," he stated, gesturing towards Miyako. "But I can't possibly stand a chance if Ken is actually returning her feelings. I don't know what to do. I've been writing it all down in my journal, attempting to sort out my feelings, but to no avail..."  
  
Daisuke felt very bad. More so because he had helped steer Ken and Miyako together. Dai knew how bad it felt to love someone and not be able to have them. "What do I say?" he thought. And then he decided that the best thing he could do was be supportive.  
  
"Look, Koushirou," he said, placing a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Who's to say she likes Ken? Maybe he's tutoring her or something?"  
  
Koushirou laughed bitterly. "Come on, Daisuke, you know as well as I do that she's chased him for years now. No, don't try to encourage me. You're a good friend and a natural for the bearer of the Crest of Friendship, but I'm much too intelligent to not see the fallacies in your argument. Here," he stated, handing Daisuke his journal. "I don't need this any longer. It makes me maudlin. Take it and use it as a sketchbook or something. Just do me a favor and tear out my journal pages first, okay?" With that, Koushirou stood and walked towards the school building.  
  
Dai held the journal in his hands, shaking his sadly. He glanced over at Ken and Miyako and noticed they were tossing the remains of the picnic into a trash receptacle.  
-   
  
"So, does any of this help you with your problem?" Ken asked.   
  
Miyako watched Koushirou walk towards the building and sighed. "Oh, I'll figure it out," she answered. "Thanks for all the help."   
  
"I didn't know you were taking 'Composition' this year," Ken glanced at the journal in her hands. "Do you like it?"  
  
"To be honest," she stated, holding the book up, "I'm just using this as an outlet for my thoughts. But lately, I'm finding that writing down what I really feel is too depressing. I think I'm going to find a new hobby. Something that involves hitting things really hard." Ken gulped as she smiled and tossed the journal towards the receptacle. The two Digidestined walked off, never noticing that the journal bounced off the rim of the trash can and fell onto the ground.  
  
Which is where Daisuke found it moments later. "Must be the day for people to give up writing," he said to himself. Curiosity overwhelmed him. "Well, she did toss it, so technically I can read it without guilt." He opened the book and gasped after reading the first two paragraphs. Then a smile crept across his face as he started hatching a new scheme.  
-   
  
"But I need your help, Miyako!" he whined as he followed her across campus. Miyako sighed.  
  
"Daisuke, I'm really busy..." she replied.  
  
"Please?" he asked. "I helped you with Ken."   
  
Miyako almost laughed in his face, but actually stopped before she spoke. "He really does think he helped me," she thought. "He's just trying to be a good friend."  
  
"All right, Dai," she stated. "Where and when?"  
-   
  
Which is how she found herself under the shade tree again, with Koushirou and Daisuke and a blanket laid out on the ground. Daisuke had a gym bag in his hands.  
  
"What is this about again, Daisuke?" Koushirou asked.  
  
"It's for my psychology class," Dai answered. "It's an experiment. The two of you have to sit on the ground with your backs touching each others so you can't see the other person." Koushirou glanced doubtfully at Miyako, who just shrugged. The two young people did as they were told. Daisuke walked up to Miyako's side first and handed her a leatherbound book he had kept hidden in the gym bag. "Don't open it yet," he said. Then he walked around to Koushirou and handed him a journal, telling him the same thing. Dai stepped away from the two. "Now when I tell you," he instructed, "start reading."  
  
He moved away a little further. "Now!" he yelled.  
Daisuke began to walk away from the pair, turning every so often to watch as their small smiles grew wider with each line they read.   
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
